Sunday, July 20, 2008

An old journal entry

April 28, 2008
I know that life sure has gotten complicated even in it’s simplicity of diapers, meals, laundry, and dishes. I am neither settled nor restless. I am neither content with where I am nor longing for something different. My only emotional constant is that there isn’t a constant. Each day is something new and different. I find that I am mostly very happy with my daily routines and are very scattered if a change is thrown into the mix. However, I had weeks or days like I’ve had in the last month or so when nothing feels right. I want so badly to be a good wife and mom, but it feels like so much is hindering my success. Then I kick myself as I realize that my success isn’t dependant on great meals, folded laundry or squeaky clean kids. My success rate isn’t even dependant on perfectly clear communication with my husband. My success rate is only reliant on my heart- which seems is the most difficult thing to keep in check. If my heart is right, then my motives are right. And if my motives are right, then no matter the outcome of the day, all will end ok. I can't give up. I can't allow myself that way out because it isn’t an option. I can just lean down and dig my heels in deeper than I had been and let God do the rest. I can work to be more patient. I can work to not express complaints. I can find places to relieve tensions and stress, finding new solutions to old problems.

I still remain amazed that God continues to use us knowing our failures and weaknesses.

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